This might be crazy deep for a first blog post, but I’m here on this blog to share important stuff and dig deep into some tough subjects. Introductions can come later. So let’s begin.
DO YOU EVER FEEL GUILTY FOR NO COHERENT REASON? DO YOU FEEL LIKE AN IMPOSTER IN YOUR OWN SKIN?
Me too. Not as much as I used to since starting the work to understanding myself better, healing from my past, and becoming more self aware but yeah. I used to be a total expert on living in a world where every day felt somehow wrong. From the outside everything appeared okay. Inside, I felt guilty for anything and everything.
- I felt guilty for “never saying the right thing” and “being so dorky.” (Self judgements)
- I felt guilty for being out of shape and letting myself go.
- I felt guilty for doing things for myself (buying things, spending too much time on my goals)… then felt guilty that I felt guilty for that.
- I felt guilty for not working hard enough (even though I worked hard at many things), then guilty when I rested for what I perceived to be too long or too much.
- I felt guilty for knowing the right choices health-wise for myself and yet not doing them.
- I felt guilty I wasn’t like everyone else (pretty, well-adjusted, smart and well-read, etc etc etc).
- I felt guilty if I inconvenienced someone at all. And guilty when I told anyone no for any reason, especially when I first started my photography business.
- I felt guilty that I couldn’t get past these horrible secret feelings that ate at me daily when everyone else just seemed so struggle free.
- The list goes on and on. But maybe the biggest one: I felt guilty that I couldn’t just love myself for me. I basically just felt guilty that I felt guilty. Crazy right?!
I asked myself “why can’t you just be happy?!” and yet I couldn’t. IT WAS EXHAUSTING. I knew how good I had it: educated, roof over my head, moderate struggles but nothing impossible to overcome, a car to drive, food to eat, people that loved and cared about me, access to healthcare and functioning government—the list goes on. And yet there was a serious, deeply-rooted problem.
I had no idea how to be myself or function without apology as myself. I was existing for other people. Their opinions of me, their approval of me, their attention toward me, my role toward them. I had no clue how to step back and just be myself for me, or how to take responsibility for my feelings, my wants, my needs, my dreams. I didn’t know how to spend time with myself or give myself the love, attention, approval, kindness, happiness I so wanted and needed.
Instead I tried to be what I thought everyone wanted me to be. That led to crazy overthinking of what people would think, might think, could think—and how that would make me feel, how horrible those feelings would be… and so on and so forth. It was a crazy downward spiral all inside of my head, but it was my reality, and probably for my first 28 years of life or so, that’s how I existed. Now, when I functioned as me—when my true self peeked in and wanted to do her own thing, things that others definitely might not like or approve of—I felt guilty and wrong for having those convictions, those feelings, those desires to be someone other than a person who didn’t rock the boat. I was so afraid of what others would think that I thought I had to spend life miserable and passionless and what’s more I thought that feeling was normal.
The path changed when I stopped placing such value into other people’s opinions of me. If I liked doing something, that became my guide. I began having a relationship with myself—exploring my interests, taking control over my life and surroundings, cutting out things that harmed me or brought me down, giving myself the benefits of commitment to health instead of the short-term pleasure/long-term regret of junk food. I learned myself, I gave myself kindness and understanding instead of judgment and pressure. The more I really loved myself in healthy ways, the less guilt I felt. Are there still days when I feel bad? Absolutely. But they are rare, and now I know how to face them now. Because I now genuinely trust my judgment and my abilities, because I now wholeheartedly respect myself and my viewpoints, guilt is not a feeling I often experience.
If you feel guilty constantly for no specific reason (or millions of specific reasons) please know that 1) you’re not alone, and 2) it’s so normal to feel this way. However, this doesn’t mean you have to live with that feeling for the rest of your life. There are resources and guides out there to get yourself out of this pit (contact me if you want to talk or would like to know some books/steps that helped me). The first step always starts with you, friends. And it’s a step worth taking.
Until next time.
— River
sidewalkmuse 