My Ego and Wedding Photography

I’ve been writing, rewriting, abandoning, then re-opening this post since early last year. Despite the difficulty writing it, I keep coming back to it because I’ve been reflecting on it for the better part of two years and my soul is insisting that this really wants to be said. So let me try again now.

A bit of context: I work fulltime as a wedding and portrait photographer. I’ve been doing this for ten years full time and have amassed hundreds of clients/jobs/experiences – translation: I’ve learned a whole hell of a lot. It seems pretty obvious, but a lot can happen in a decade both inside and outside of the career aspect. These specific ten years have seen me through some incredible ups and downs, profound life changes, and a successful photography career I never fully anticipated. I’m thankful, reflective, and wondering – what the future holds, where to go from here. You know, the usual suspects.
The more I have worked in therapy and recovery programs, the more I have realized that a very large character loomed in my photographic work for a long time and can still can be a problem if I don’t keep her in check. That character is my ego. Some of this ego is immaturity, some of it is pride and fear and selfishness and insecurity, but it’s still there – even if it has been checked, retrained, given stern looks, and calmed down a lot in recent years, it’s lurking. We all have an ego, and I’ve seen the photography industry bring out the worst in many of us including myself. With this observation made, I’ve been thinking hard about how my ego both past and present affects the way I photograph people and approach my job.

When I first started photographing people for money, a dominant feeling constant in my life everyday was fear. Fear of failure, fear of not being good enough, fear that no one would like my style, fear that I would be perceived as incompetent at my job or not artistic enough, fear that I would not have success financially, fear that I could not afford the costs of doing business, fear of making any mistakes whatsoever, fear of disappointing clients, fear of others not thinking my work was good, fear of looking stupid, fear, fear… fear.

Of course, outwardly, this was not apparent. I overcompensated with an attitude of confidence, of knowing it all, of happiness and enthusiasm and nothing-can-go-wrong. This way of operation was exhausting and dishonest. I would never have been caught dead saying, “I don’t know” – because to me the most horrible thing I could ever do was to admit that I didn’t know everything or wasn’t some endless flow of inspiration and ideas. This behavior was rooted in this insane, neurotic need to prove to people (people who never asked for me to prove anything) that I was this perfect photographer and therefore perfect person too. That obsessive need to prove myself came from my inner insecure egomaniac – a mindset and learned behavior I was helpless over at the time. Man did it wreak some havoc and keep me in some bad states of mind.
For example: I felt under attack when I felt like people were onto how filled with self-doubt I was. Anything would make me feel ambushed or undermined, like when people asked for a pose I didn’t come up with, or suggested a location I hadn’t thought of, or asked me questions about “is the background okay?” or “will I look big if I stand like this?” It automatically caused a flare of negative feelings inside. Didn’t they trust me?! Why would they question me?! Maybe I really do suck at this! Etc, etc. Ego can be a real brat – and in this instance, ego left me unable to bridge the gap between my unhealthy need to feel perfect/good enough/superior, and my very real clients’ feelings, needs, feedback, and desires. My clients were asking simple questions, not telling me I was a horrible person and photographer! But I had a hard time not feeling that way. My focus was too intensely stuck in trying to make sure I felt okay – trying desperately to avoid the truth that I wasn’t perfect.
That is one fragile ass ego, ya’ll. I honestly feel sorry for the person I used to be.
Add to this delicate ego the often toxic community you can stumble into if you join basically any large photographer forum or group. There is this persistent need among the over-saturated masses of photographers to stand out and one-up, but at the same time assimilate, but also to be groundbreaking, to do The Most, to have the prettiest website and prettiest feed with the prettiest clients… to create images that go viral, to be cool and hip and popular and well-traveled and cute and trendy and oh my god even writing this list has me tired. Basically, there’s a lot of fame within the photography world and it can be tempting to try and become one of The Best And Most Famous. I’m a little on the fence here… I think it’s awesome to aspire to be great at what you do, but when you aspire to be great in order to feel better about yourself/get validation that’s a recipe for pain and arrogance. Trying to be The Best can distract from the most important thing a photographer does (in my opinion) which is connect with our clients and create excellent, meaningful images for them – not the internet, not social media. The hiring client. Equally important is to hear them out if they’re unhappy then work to fix it for them without taking it personally.
I do think that I got lost in the popularity race for awhile. I spent a lot of effort on trying to shoot so that I would have a beautiful instagram (selfish). I didn’t get as excited about more ‘boring’ clients and their weddings because that wouldn’t be fun for me to shoot (lazy). I would roll my eyes at overdone decor/traditions/etc privately, or complain about it to peers/other photographers (petty). There wasn’t enough space or consideration for my clients with this way of conducting myself. Spending time thinking of my taste/approach as superior was a narcissistic waste of time. It created negative energy. It held me back from being present and being kind and serving my customers well. I missed the whole point of it: the people in front of my camera. They are who matter, they are who I need to shoot for and make happy.
In 2014/2015 I experienced huge life shifts – my marriage at the time ended, I came out as no longer religious, I changed my name and my look and began to travel for the first time ever – I decided the hell with fear! And I took life by the horns and let it dash me down in the process. I learned from the pain. I jumped into recovery when I realized I was dysfunctional, and then I came out the other side a different person. Funny enough, when I look back at my work, I see it changing and growing the most 2015 and onward. The photos are more authentic, creative, thoughtful, and real – the things I always wanted it to be – but I had to be those things first. I had to stop letting my ego run everything. It tripped me up, it kept me selfish, it made my sight short. The day I learned how to set ego aside, I was able to step fully into a new path that is more peaceful, more kind, more at ease with myself and the world.
Today I have a lot less opinions about people and their personal choices. I put more emphasis on what I do have appropriate control over: myself and my actions. I now invest the same effort into any and every wedding/session. I don’t complain to myself if I wish a job was prettier/smaller/bigger/more trendy – I approach what exists and work to do the best I can to show that in a beautiful way with no need to make it something it wasn’t. The days of giving someone special treatment because I like their aesthetic/look/personality more are gone. Now I live by the rule of work as hard for every single client.
Like they said in Bill and Ted – be excellent to each other. My work only gets better the more I stick with this mantra and mindset.

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I’ll end this post with a few things I remind myself of pretty regularly now.
I Am Not a Rockstar
No, I’m not diminishing my talents, feelings, skills, or way of approaching things – but yes, I am learning to set aside those things and make my work about the people I photograph, not me myself and I. These jobs are not about me. These people are not mine, their stories aren’t mine, their weddings aren’t mine. I have to remember my photos could not be possible without these people. I need to keep arrogant pride out of the equation. Gratitude keeps me grounded and lifted at the same time.
My Style Isn’t Some Precious Sacred Thing
Yes my voice matters and yes my narrative style is probably why the client hired me, but to approach an event with nothing but “MY VISION” blaring in my mind is a setup for photos that may not honor what’s in front of me. Am I forcing subjects into a mold? Am I honestly portraying people? Am I taking into account that I am biased from my own life experiences and should stay open minded? Am I hearing my subjects’ concerns and insecurities out and photographing with consideration of that?
My Opinions Are Not Necessary
Every wedding is special to the people who are having that wedding. My taste/opinions/perspective are irrelevant and even harmful to have when it comes to judging someone else’s choices in style or aesthetic. My job is to show up and treat every single person the same: like the most important person in the world. Their requests are valid and important. I don’t need to have opinions on if the marriage will last or if the centerpieces are cute. Being in the moment is the most beautiful, important thing me and this camera can do.
You Are Working With Someone That Is Not You
I’ll say it again! I am working with someone that is not me. Communicate with that other person or persons. Don’t assume to know exactly what they want or are comfortable with or are wishing for during the shoot. Ask questions, hear them out, include them in the creation process. It doesn’t entirely have to be up to me, the photographer, to produce every single part of the shoot or come up with everything myself. Let the people in front of you inform the direction of the session.

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Thanks for taking the time to read this! If you have any thoughts or lessons learned similar to mine, I’d love to hear from you in the comments. Now go be excellent to each other, friends. See ya out there.