I remember seeing the comment and feeling in rapid succession shocked, hurt, then indignant and angry.
My now-ex husband announced our separation/impending divorce publicly on his social media – like I had too. We were still friends (on social) at the time, so I saw this when his Aunt replied to his post with the following thoughts (not word-for-word, since I don’t remember the exact phrasing):
It’s okay, nephew. Now you can be with someone who will love you right like you deserve and give you babies.
I. Was. Apalled. The audacity. The absurd arrogance of that comment, the absolute ignorance. I resisted the urge to blast out a reply and be a bitch back to her, and I’m still satisfied with that decision to not engage – to just move away from it emotionally and focus on myself, my life, my mental health, my changing reality. But I still was offended, and deeply so. She didn’t know if I was a woman who struggled with fertility or not, she didn’t know if me and my ex husband even WANTED to have children together or at all, she – didn’t – know. So how dare she say something like that? Well, she dared. And I’ve never said much about it until now.
This happened about five years ago but it still crosses my mind sometimes. This woman had been welcoming and kind to me. Was that all fake? How the hell did she think she knew best like that? Posting that publicly was the ultimately Southern “bless your heart” or in layman’s terms: “fuck you very much.” The funny thing is, according to my ex husband at the time, he didn’t want children. Neither did I. End of story, because that decision is a personal and private one to be first decided on at the individual level. I naively thought everyone knew that. But this aunt thought it would be nice to try and get a final jab in at me for that, without knowing a single fact pertaining to the issue. Try to cut me down and make me feel less-than somehow. But it just made me realize that women have to be better allies to each other, and as people, we need to stop thinking we have the full story or know best for another person’s life… even if it’s our niece, nephew, cousin, child, parent. We never have the full information. And assuming we do only shows our foolishness in the end.
This woman had very little idea what we had been through in our almost nine year relationship. Not the conversations we had as a couple about children and family, nor the emotional immaturity we both possessed, nor the growing realization that we weren’t compatible on any level. It’s not something I villanize, it’s something I have no resentments over, only understanding and empathy. The relationship lasted as long as it needed to, it ran its course, and we left it when it was over. We were not what each other wanted or needed, we were not happy or thriving in a shared life together, and so we parted ways which is the sane thing to do. I don’t blame anyone for what happened – it’s just life. It’s a shame that an adult with decades more life than myself at the time decided to try and hurt a young woman who she barely knew.
We have a tendency to project our own feelings and experiences onto others. This only harms us and harms others. This woman’s statement in the end only told me everything I needed to know about her, and I realized said zero to who I am as a person. That’s my growth in this situation, and I only have gratitude for this road of learning and reflection now.
Peace and love, all.
sidewalkmuse 