Why I Left Christianity And Stopped Believing In A God

“How endless the depths of your love, Lord God, how ceaseless the wonder of your works.”

That was a Facebook status update of mine in 2010. I posted similar ones all the time… Jesus, God, the bible — I was devout and fanatical and my entire identity was wrapped up in the religion I had been born into. For quite some years, I woke up early to study my bible and pray — I helped lead worship at a local church — I thanked God at every turn for every last thing, gave him credit for anything I accomplished – stayed a virgin until my wedding night – worried about modesty and other people’s salvation. I would listen to sermons on YouTube, buy the latest Francis Chan/Mark Driscoll/John Piper book – I listened to praise and worship music all day long, talked to God constantly, and worried over my lost/fallen friends. Basically EVERYTHING I did and thought about was in subject to God and being obedient to his word. I saw God and Jesus everywhere in all good things and my life was Christianity, faith, and doing my best to spread the love and message.

Today? I’m not that person anymore at all. I don’t believe in a god at all, not Zeus or Krishna or Allah or the Yahweh god of Hebraic origin. How does that happen? It’s not like flipping a switch, I’ll tell you that much. You don’t wake up one day and say, “hmm, I don’t think I want to believe what I’ve believed my whole life anymore! That will really be a good time to shift the foundation of how I understand the world!” The process is quite different. Painful, hard, lonely when it begins. Liberating and empowering once you’ve made peace with the new answers you’ve found and escaped the brainwashing and the groupthinking cult aspect. (Disclaimer: this article is my opinion. I am not attempting to insult anyone here, I respect and support everyone’s right to believe as they wish, but I am not going to sugarcoat my experience.)

Some people say I left the faith because I’m buying the devil’s lies (I don’t believe in him either, and I get really tired of this very superstitious statement). Some people say I left the faith because I was never a “true Christian” which is an insult and ridiculous because if I wasn’t a true follower, no one was. Other people think that I’m just confused right now. Definitely not the case. I am clear on what I believe and don’t believe. I am much more complete as a person now than I ever was before and secure in myself.

Anyway: People who knew the ‘old me’ were shocked and dismayed when I very publicly came out as an atheist in 2015 online. This was after over a year of questioning, researching, searching, praying with no answers, and learning some hard realities by going through life with a faith that ultimately left me empty-handed. Here’s a popular question: Why did I decide to let everyone know? Why did I not just quietly leave religion and go about my business without having to stir things up? Because the truth matters. And I won’t be part of a society that blacklists or bullies nontheists or seculars simply because we don’t agree on whether or not there is a god or not. I believe in having dialogues about important things. And this is important.

But I digress. What event, what thing triggered me to lose what had once been unshakable faith? It wasn’t just one thing. It was a series of events and hardships and traumas that caused me to “lean on God” harder than I ever had… but I found that there was nothing and no one to lean on when I was the lowest and most needing of help. I began to wake up to the fact that what I had done was bought into a belief that my culture had normalized. Then I had tricked/willed myself into believing it because it sounded nice, it was what I had been taught to accept, and it was “right” according to all those I had ever looked up to.

I started to really think. Not based on an ancient book, but based on my ability to reason and logic and solve problems on my own merit. I asked the hard questions about heaven and hell and what kind of god would demand blood sacrifices, order slaughter, burn his own children for eternity, and participate in genocide and ethnic cleansing. No more excuses for or rationalizations of: I read the entire bible through hard. I began to realize that when I took out my preconceived notions, ideals, and excuses I had made for Yahweh, the truth of the matter: he wasn’t real, and more than that, he was portrayed as a thug and a dictator and I realized I found him to be the opposite of loving. Would you stop a child from being raped if you could? So would I. And that means we are both more moral than the god of the bible. Yahweh was the way primitive people understood and explained the world and controlled others. And the Jesus story/new wave of Christianity that emerged about 2,000 years ago has some nice ideas in it sure, but all of the claims made therein by Jesus fail when tested empirically.

Here’s where a lot of people say I’m angry at god. No. I can’t be angry at something I don’t believe is real.

Let me be blunt: Leaving Christianity was not easy, it was not fun. I built my entire life on the faith, and to realize it wasn’t true was similar to a child finding out Santa is not real. It was honestly devastating for me for a time, it ruined relationships, it brought me more pain than good at first. I wanted it to be true. I wanted there to be a loving god, justice/happiness at the end of the story, and sense made of all the horrible stuff that happens in this world. But my current conclusion is one free of superstition or belief in any kind of supernatural force/fate/god. We are all personally responsible for our own happiness, actions, and lives. We only get one chance at life, and the forgiveness that matters is from our fellow humans when we’ve done wrong – not a guy in the sky. We are not sinful, wicked, or evil at the core, we are not worthless and deserving of everlasting torture and pain – ESPECIALLY not for simply not being capable of believing in something there is no evidence for.

So who am I now? I’m someone who wants to see humanity have success and peace and wellness. I work hard to live authentically and kindly. I’m not done learning, traveling, growing, and pondering the world we live in and what it means to be human. I am free, I follow my morals and values, and respect others as best I can. I always strive to judge less, learn more, and use the ever-shortening life left to leave something meaningful behind.

I’m sharing this story because I know other people are also struggling behind the scenes with doubts, fear, and pain over losing the ability to believe what once shaped their lives. A lot of atheists live in the closet, fearful of how people would act or feel if they knew the truth. I hope to live in a world someday where differences like these don’t dictate the ability to love and support each other.

My final thought today: think critically, question everything, and stop presupposing. Use your mind. Trust your instincts. I’m here to talk if anyone has questions or needs support.

XO

River

 

Being Brave Doesn’t Feel Good

A quick reminder to self and others today: true courage doesn’t usually feel good. In fact, being brave implies you are taking an action that requires some risk and takes you out of your comfort zone. So of course it’s going to feel bad, threatening, and even scary. Don’t let that stop you or decide your course of action.

I think a lot of us watch others do brave things and somehow think the people doing those things aren’t having to face down immense emotional/mental obstacles to accomplish things. “That’s easy for them. I could never do that.” And so on. Listen: Forget what is easy or hard for other people and judge them/yourself less. Know that we all face roadblocks, and we can all be brave in the face of whatever it is that scares us. For some people, going to the grocery store can induce panic attacks – so all struggles are relative. It doesn’t matter what your challenge is: you are capable of facing it, and you need to know it won’t feel good to grow yourself and be brave at first. But it can get easier and better, always.

As someone who has made a lot of life changes, done things that scared me, and risked quite a lot – I have been called brave. I agree with that word because most of what I’ve done that required courage was fucking terrifying to me. The kind of fear that paralyzes you and threatens to keep you stuck where you are. The older I get, the less credit I give those feelings of fear. Yeah I still feel those things – scared, worried, anxious – but I have decided that my feelings don’t get a 100% say in my choices. I actively practice not giving them as much power as I used to. That’s been a lifesaver, one of the best life lessons I could ever learn.

It is easier to not be brave. Not speak up when we know we should – do what is expected of us by others instead of what makes us happy – remain silent instead of have an opinion that might get you unfriended – not try something new we never have before because it scares us – etc, etc, etc.

Here’s my question for you right now: years from now, will you regret forfeiting potential life joy and fulfillment and happiness just to avoid feeling badly? Will you wish you had been courageous and brave and done more to live your best life? You owe it to yourself to think about this.

I hope today you can realize that you have more bravery in you than you think, and remember that being brave doesn’t come easily to anyone. Honestly, being brave is a choice, not a feeling. Stay steady and know you can get yourself through anything, don’t let fear have control. Be true to yourself. Be patient with yourself when you aren’t some perfect superhero all the time (or any of the time).