I first heard of this situation via a family member’s instagram story, and quickly after on Facebook/Twitter. Bethel Church, a mammoth on the Christian scene widely known for their popular worship music, has suffered a terrible and shocking loss. Olive Heiligenthal, toddler daughter of worship leaders Andrew and Kalley Heiligenthal, passed away on December 14th. After her death, the church and many others of faith around the world chose to band together in nonstop prayer and worship services. You can see a bit of what Bethel in Redding, California (home church of the family) was doing here. As of today, the church says they are ending their prayer efforts and moving towards a memorial service.
Before you hear my thoughts on all this, here’s the context: I’m an ex-Christian turned atheist, I get creepy vibes from Bethel as a whole, and my first reaction when I read about this while it was happening was horror why a general “why the hell would reasonable adults do this?!”
BUT. As an ex-evangelical who used to lead children’s worship with a very passionate heart for what I believed in at the time… I can understand and empathize. I have to remove my initial judgment of “WEIRD CHRISTIANS” and take it back to “THINKING FEELING HUMAN BEING LIKE ME” because like most everyone else out there, judging comes easiest. So instead of slapping the whole thing with a label to make it more soulless and therefore easier to point a finger at, I remember my own mindset as a Christian, I remember my own convictions and beliefs, and… then, I get it. When you believe that strongly, you act accordingly. There is no other truth in that moment. Now from the outside looking in, even though I was initially quite aghast at this news, I also recognized this was not my place to decide how someone grieves a death. I think many of us need to evaluate our readiness to declare “this is how it should be,” especially in situations of loss and grief.
I’ve seen some people poking fun at the Heiligenthal family or judging WAY hard or feeling entitled to comment in very personal and hurtful ways (secular folks and religious alike). Well, shame on you. These are human beings in pain. Misguided and not making rational decisions in a time of immense and terrible grief? Yeah… that’s about right. And all of us do it, just in different ways. Difference is here the limelight is so damaging – bringing this tragedy to a forefront when it would be a private unheard of thing if not for the news reports/the Bethel church association. Folks who are spectators to situations like these always think their opinions of others are so precious and special but they’re missing the point… that opinions aren’t needed or helpful in many situations. So why even say anything? Where’s your heart?
“But River! They involved thousands of people in this sham, they started a shady gofundme, they’re a cult!”
Yes, being famous within their community meant that they leaned on the support system of parishioners and followers all over the globe in a time of absolutely terrible loss. These folks believe in something I don’t, and strongly too. They followed those beliefs. Anyone who joined in the prayers or movement did so of their own choice. Not my place to be angry that others believed a child come come back from the dead, they didn’t tell ME to pray and believe for Olive’s return. I am definitely sad about the movement and kind of defeated feeling about the whole thing, sure. A little frightened of people who think magically like that – I’ll admit the answer is yes there too (even though I was one who would have believed this years ago!). To me it doesn’t seem rational or realistic to believe a dead person or animal can come back to life days after they no longer are alive, and I see no evidence of miracles in the world. But right now is not the time to try and point that out to these folks. And anyway whose mind was ever changed by being yelled at in a tweet? Respect is so much more valuable than ego.
Trust me, I have questions. Why THIS child, Bethel? Why aren’t you on your knees in tears over the children dying day in and out of starvations and preventable diseases? The children sold into sex trafficking? The children in foster care without loving homes and families? It’s because we are human, and they love/were most attached to their own child as we all would be. They want her back. So understandable. So heartbreaking. Again I get it. Does it seem hypocritical? Maybe a little. But again, they lost their daughter. Their world stopped and ended and went upside down. Reason and all that goes out the window in the face of hurt.
Regarding the GoFundMe, I personally wouldn’t donate to it. End of story, no other comment to be made other than again… people who want to, can. There are worse and better things out there in the world to donate to.
They’re a cult? Maybe. Keep in mind: most cults have the following in common: a few “bad guys” in the CEO office who are preying on people and seeking power, lots of “real people” following along trying to be part of something wonderful and fill a hole or fix a feeling. I can’t look at the entire group and invalidate them because “they’re a cult.” That is very close to dismissing addicts or alcoholics as “bad people” instead of understanding the underlying issue of mental illness and disease. Most people are just trying to live a life that feels okay to them and that lines up with their values, beliefs, and culture. Bethel parishioners included.
Still, I’ve watched a lot of folks bickering in posts and making very bold, hurtful statements aimed at the family, the church, at the the mother and the father of this little girl. I don’t know why it’s SO easy to demonize and dehumanize people if they don’t believe/act/live as you do, but man… human beings are really good at that shit aren’t they? Either way NONE of ya’ll need to forget: harsh opinions don’t help right now… love and kindness do. And we can ALL surely find love and kindness in our heart, regardless of holy books or not. I am more interested in finding common ground than reasons to divide and separate.
I am a human. So are you. We have similar eyes, religion or not.
I see a MOTHER who is grieving the loss of her child the only way she can at the moment with the only tools/mindset she currently has. This will affect her forever, this will shape her mind and thinking patterns for all the rest of her life. I do not envy her. I only wish her healing and love and strength for all she has to go through in the coming years. I am so, so sorry for the pain she is enduring right now.
I see a FATHER who is only human and who has been told he is to lead his family biblically. He will really struggle with this for years to come. This will affect him forever. I really hope he doesn’t try to just shoulder it and move on – he is a human being like the rest of us. I hope he gives himself permission to be less than perfect with all the answers and seek out help for the grief and pressure on him.
I see a FAMILY that is broken apart from what it was. I am so sad for the older child who is now left as an only child – I can’t even imagine. I hope grief counseling and therapy are something the entire family will pursue. Yes… there is a tough road ahead made even tougher by the initial refusal to accept reality. Like I said, I get it. But man, does it suck. For almost a week the family prayed and begged for a life to be restored. They had thousands of people all over the world also on board with this – do you know how gutting it is believing something so hard then not seeing it happen? It’s huge and it’s hard. Trust me – personal experience. My personal experience ended up with me questioning God/the bible/my faith and eventually walking away to a new road. I don’t know what the Heiligenthal family has ahead of them, I only know that this will be a challenging journey.
The pressure and expectations put on Andrew and Kalley by their religious base will be SO difficult to navigate – I can’t even begin to imagine how hard. As I said before, I do NOT ENVY THEM for a second. I can’t and won’t judge them either. I can only shake my head and say I am so sorry, and I hope for healing and peace as they walk this road of life that has suddenly changed so very much.
We will never know our own response to a situation like this until it actually happens to us – and I hope as few of you as possible ever have to face this.
Somberly,
River
sidewalkmuse 